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Seed

by Lizzy Shell

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1.
I am a ruddy combination of the judgment of my father and the sorrow of my mother I am the disappointed victim of the long and trying absence of my one and only brother I have forgotten the redemption of my past humiliation at the age of close to seven I have remembered every insult that was thrown at my young tender heart at ages like eleven I’m letting go, letting go of the child that I’ve been I’m moving on, moving on as the future’s moving in And I have hope, I have hope that all of my remaining glory stands undimmed I am the unelected critic of the choices of my sisters and the foibles of my friends I am a multiple offender who is too proud to surrender and too scared to make amends I’m not a silence in the background or a voluntary statement on the state of our affairs I’m more a single-winged robin, just to make it to the garret I will have to mount the stairs I'm letting go, letting go of the lies that I’ve believed I’m holding on, holding on to truth spoken over me And I am strong, I am strong, I am strong, I am bending at the knees And the lamp unto my feet is burning dim to say the most With an empty palm held out I’m at the table with the Host From the flip side of the tapestry I’m gnawing at the knots But these strings will hold me in my place and tell me what I’ve got I’m letting go, letting go of the life inside my fist I’m holding out for the light at the end of all of this And I believe, I believe there’s no meant to be that’s ever really missed.
2.
On Waiting 03:01
Well, you’re such a hard little worker always busy as a bee You can’t see me through my hazy fog of mediocrity Though I know that I’m not doing all I know that I could do I am on my knees and begging for some patience out of you. Well, you’re such a good little mother with your apron and your strings, And you nursed us from the breast, then you let us spread our wings We all flapped and we all flew except the one who took a fall Now I am on my knees and begging for some patience from you all Well, I’m such a hard-headed, heavy-handed, dragon-hearted girl But this world is still my oyster, and this life is still my pearl But it won’t gleam and glow like moonlight while it’s sitting on the shelf So as anxious as you are, I have less patience with myself. Oh the moon is beating gently as the ocean softly roars And I’m terrified of all that I might find beyond these doors But I will never reach horizon if I’m chained here to this shore And I think I’ll go insane if I stay here anymore Well, I’ve drowned my tears in wine, and in my tonic and my gin But at the end of every day, I am still covered in my sin And I have longed to walk in freedom but I’m bound still in my shame So won’t you speak me words of wisdom if you’ve ever felt the same.
3.
Tom & John 03:23
I said Thomas, take me there. He said it doesn’t exist As we started to laugh, I was finally kissed I said Tom, nobody’s ever stolen my heart like you I told John, if I could touch you to make her come back I would lay my hands forever on your face and your neck I told John, nobody’s ever opened my eyes like you. Would you believe me if I confessed I could never love you any less? I turned the last page for the last time The blows you deal are just as harsh when you set them down in metered rhyme Your pictures paint words, your games play my mind Your hands make me ache to give what you take, Your light makes me blind. I said Thomas, take me there. He said, I’d love to but can’t Then we continued on with our friendly banter We wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote til our ink ran dry I told John, you know she’s never coming back here again, But I see you, you’ll see her, you’ll see. He said, when? Would you believe me if I confessed I could never love you any less? I turned the last page for the last time The blows you deal are just as harsh when you set them down in metered rhyme Your pictures paint words, your games play my mind Your hands make me ache to give what you take, Your light makes me blind.
4.
Carry Me 04:30
Carry me in the arms of the Missouri. Lead me through the trees to the river and Lay me down on the banks of Atchison, But don’t promise me a home. 'Cause I’m just a long time traveler here, I know I am only passing through But if I could find just one person to love I could get by on just loving you I could get by on just loving you. And I’m afraid of putting down my roots here, But I know down’s the only way to grow This oak is whispering testimony to me - It’s like she wants me to know That I’m just a long time traveler here, I know I am only passing through But if I could find just one person to love I could get by on just loving you I could get by on just loving you. And even though this river’s always moving, She keeps on laying her kisses on the shore And as you wait at home for me to spend my restless She keeps me pushing on for more. 'Cause I’m just a long time traveler here, I know I am only passing through But if I could find just one person to love I could get by on just loving you I could get by on just loving you.
5.
Staring down the barrel of a straight black line I’d fall in love, but who has the time? And I never met a heart quite like mine - Satin, tobacco, and turpentine Break apart, armoured heart You gave yourself away too soon, You pulled the branch before the root I heard you carry the same old tune - You always looked at me through you Break apart, armoured heart Break apart, armoured heart The water between us is turning red, The soles of my feet are burning lead For every truth you ever said, I let a liar lie in my bed Break apart, armoured heart See things as they are Staring down the barrel of a dark grey gun It kills me that you were the only one And I’m afraid of love, 'cuz I’m too young The only way I know to fight is to run The only way I know to fight is to run Break apart, armoured heart Break apart, alabaster jar
6.
Who's to Say 05:06
Gabriel I ran away, I didn’t rest for long In the comfort of our easy way, in the warmth within your song When we ran out of things to say, the night was nearly dawn Every rope begins to fray when the pull is quick and strong If I had held out there, If I had given us a chance to hold Who’s to say? Who’s to say? Good thing that I didn’t stay. Benjamin I ran away, and I make no excuse Cuz any man on any day will get the hell out from a noose There never was a person made for some other person’s use In your arms and almost tame, I rattled myself loose If I had held out there, If I was willing to belong to you, Who’s to say? Who’s to say? Good thing that I didn’t stay. Christopher, I ran away, I went running for my life. Christopher, I heard you say I’ve got to stay and fight Though I know you felt my way, you could not flee as I You walked in what was good and straight, but I could not abide. If I had held out there, If I had waited for the storm to pass, Who’s to say? Who’s to say? Good thing that I didn’t stay. Jonathan, I ran away, but I might be coming home.
7.
Unspoken 04:22
In the madding of the crowd there is a name that still is yet to be read In the fullness of the silence after storming there's a stranger in bed with you, my friend You don't know her honest name but still it echoes in this valley of tears You have tried to beat it out of her but silence is what's left after all the screaming years But her voice is still her own, She’s not given it away She abides still in truth unspoken, yet unspoken When my thoughts come all in lyrics and my words are all from someone else’s play Then my soul is what I brought for show and tell. Is nothing left that is sacred anymore? Is nothing secret anymore? And these thoughts are all my own but I will put them on a stage for you all For the critics and the lovers and the haters and the fans to embalm But my thoughts are not dead yet, They're alive and moving still They are forming into words unspoken, yet unspoken And I'm sorry if you can't say what you mean to say But I mean it when I tell you that I hope you find a way To get out what's in your heart for me, for me There a silence in between the words that's louder than the letters alone If you listen very closely to a stillness you’ll find one of your own
8.
Wisdom is a mother, pain’s a kind of prayer I try but I can't seem to make myself not care When I reach for comfort, my hands find mostly air If patience is a virtue, my dreams are hard to bear. Wisdom is a teacher, lessons learned are hard Ambition rouses gently, leaves it's calling card Oh let my heart be mercy, oh let my hands be scarred If patience is a virtue, I'll resurrect my guard Wisdom is a blessing, thinking is a curse I can't make you better by making myself worse I can't love him if I can't forgive him first If patience is a virtue, she's lightning in reverse Wisdom is the soil of all I'd like to grow Nature can't be trusted except to ebb and flow And everything that comes inevitably goes If patience is a virtue, she'll green the winter snows Wisdom stands a sentry to keep what's gone before Lays a nest of olive branches down beside hell's door The hope of every widow hobo reject saint and whore If patience is a virtue, please send a little more Wisdom is a lover, the only one I've known I never met a child both without a throwing stone I've need of both my hands now, so mine have all been thrown If patience is a virtue, I'm building her a throne Wisdom lays a fetter, hardship winds a chain Love demands a dying, prayer's a kind of pain Sunshine she will find me waiting in the rain If patience is a virtue, if see can turn to grain, if waves can carve a cliffside, if songs can keep me sane If every loss is harbinger of deeper greater gain, then everything's redemption and nothing is in vain.
9.
Buried Alive 02:56
I was buried alive, beneath the earth without breath Pushing at the dirt above Desperate for the light and the sky I could feel myself breaking, Splitting apart and cracking at the seams I’m dying, I’m dying! Oh I know that I’m dying. But I was only a seed And I was safe below And I had to break out of myself to grow.

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released January 20, 2017

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Lizzy Shell Tempe, Arizona

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